I'VE been doing a lot of musing lately. I’m sure “they’d” say that’s normal for a woman nearly 7 months pregnant. What’s beckoned me for deeper consideration is the duality of the fragility and resilience of life. When I think of those I know, and all they’ve been through, all I’ve been through, I’m humbled by the strength we muster to become conquerors. Sometimes we have to muster strength to be weak (I read about this today, and it resonates so deeply), for it is exhausting, grueling, and a part of being human.
Then there’s a flip side to resilience--we all know that life is delicate and that knowledge can make or break us (are you frought with worry? a death-defier? a truster in self? a carpe diem quoter?)...Shawn and I are incredibly blessed for being able to conceive a child, but I know couples who are struggling with infertility—or who have experienced loss I couldn’t begin to understand. I have a brother in heaven I never had the joy to meet—but will someday. And a coworker just lost her mother today.
In attempting to wrap my mind around this complex duality, I know that God designed our lives with perfect purpose/intentionality. We face challenges He knows are not too much for us to handle. We experience loss and sorrow as part of the refining process. And we learn to see, or at least attempt to believe, that God is good despite all of the not-so-good things in life. That His definition of goodness is not parallel to ours. That one day we’ll be free of the tangled carnality of ourselves—and we’ll deeply understand God’s love, plan, concern, artistry. What He meant in the words: I am good. I am love.
What this has demanded of me now is an increased intent to monitor my thoughts, actions, attitude (yes, Shawn, you can smile), words. Better to show kindness to the angry person, better to smile than to frown, better to let the other car go first. Better to not complain in line at the post office. Better to eat that brownie because I like it. Better to stay up late to read to the baby.
It’s also bringing me comfort as I gear up for the biggest juggling act of my life: wife, mother, career person (etc., etc.). It’s my dream to stay home full time, but we’re not there right now. I just can’t avoid thinking that there are far worse things than having to go to work every day. I am blessed to have a stable job. And while I would rather remain at home with my son full-time, I trust that God, in His faithfulness, sees my heart’s desires, and will carve a path for those desires--in His timing. And I just know that it will be ok.
I also know I’ll fail and some days will be tough; I’ll do a bad job by walking on seemingly cushy, dark clouds rather than on sunshine. I'll let my road rage get the best of me, or say hurtful things in futile attempts to esteem myself. I’m just thankful that God, so infinite in grace, isn’t keeping tabs. He just wants me, flubs and all. And He is good.