Dec 30, 2010

Brown as a turd

I flurried past the mirror after using the restroom, and thought, wow I look ridiculous. Why can't I just be happy with the color God made me?
There was a Groupon for spray tanning and it came at the perfect time; I went and shed most of my outfit (embarrassing) in front of a stranger so she could spray me. Last night I worked on highlighting my hair for 2 hours (but the color only cost $7 and my haircut cost $11).

I know what you're thinking about the tan: it's winter, Mindy, what are you talking about? I don't know, peeps! Guess I want to look okay in a dress for New Year's? Makes no sense because there's no "Pretty Police" here. That I know of.
I covet the day that I will be 100% comfortable with the body God gave me. Just this summer I wriggled into a "momsuit" for the first time in years so I could swim with my babies. I also only have one wedding photo up and am about to take it down; someone saw it and asked, who's that? pointing to me, and it's hurt ever since. When I tell people all the "work I want done" (tummy tuck, spider veins "removed"...) they pshaw me over and over. And I know they're right. But I don't know they're right.

Like really know.

Approaching my 30th year of life brings many things to the surface, namely, how I'm not as thin or energized as I was in college. Or how I really can't tell high school girls from college girls now. They all look the same. Or how I don't like pop music any more and prefer Praise & Worship or Oldies on the radio...Flamenco on Pandora. Or how I secretly gravitate toward the misses section at JCPenney a little more and more every day. The juniors section stuff is too small and not my taste.

I pray the Lord will continue to mold and change me; that I will be a flexible subject for Him to work with. That He will use my hands and feet to be His hands and feet. That He will cultivate my passion for people into many extraordinary divine appointments. These things trump spray tans and pretty makeup.

Lastly, I'm anxious to learn what positive self-talk you use when you are feeling less than confident. Even though it's really hard for me to keep New Year's resolutions, I'm going to focus on the inner and outer traits I treasure about myself, and celebrate them in 2011. Praise the Lord that He made me fearfully and wonderfully. He did that.

I've got a daughter to raise. It's time to buck up.
(thank you for this safe place to share one of my struggles;
it is a big deal for me to post no-makeup photos;
although I'm doing better about not wearing makeup everyday~I don't have time!)


Kyle said...

i know exactly what you're saying.. i'm still lugging an extra 12 lbs. around since caleb and i have never felt more jiggly. it's only 12 lbs. so silly.

AND i will take a moment to pshaw you because you're stunning. i have always thought that. wholly beautiful inside and outside.

Breanna said...

Ahhh...the spray tan. I did it for the first (and last) time last spring. I didn't care for the way it continually rubbed off onto my clothing even after it was dry. I share in the same struggles of appreciating what God has blessed me with, instead of constantly wishing for the things I am not blessed with in the looks department. I too must tell you that you are truly a beauty inside and out, and I feel so blessed that God has crossed our paths. :) HUGS!!!!

mrsmarycandice said...

I think you look amazing without makeup! I must admit that I also like your tan. :) It makes me want to go strip my clothes off in front of a complete stranger too. hehe.

What do I do when I feel this way? Head to the gym. Do you have a gym membership? ;) You can come to the Y with me...hehe

Kate said...

You look amazing Mindy. When you find the right way to become comfortable w/ who you are, let me know....I'm still searching and I've eeked well past that 30 yr milestone. Work in progress.....

Michelle said...

I, too, want a tummy tuck and spider vein removal. However, I am totally comfortable with my fair skin and actually worry if I get a little sun because of skin cancer and wrinkles. The self talk I do when fretting about my body is, "This is my mommy body. If it looked like it did 10 years ago, it would mean I didn't have my baby boys. I'll take them any day over my younger looking body." The other thing I think about when seeing my naked body in the mirror is that our bodies tell our life story.

Shonda said...

You look beautiful, Mindy. Don't worry yourself about the no make-up look, it's very becoming to you. I've not been a make up person myself, but now I look in the mirror and think I could probably use some! I like your New Year's resolution and it inspires me to do the same. Blessings!

Eric's Mommy said...

You are so beautiful with or without make-up!
I'm still lugging around about 30 pounds post child (that was born 8 years ago!!). I have never in my life worried about my weight, I was always so skinny. I would love a tummy tuck, my tummy is the only part of my body I dislike, it's where I carry all my weight.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful and happy new year!!

Tami said...

I want to thank you for sharing this. As a young mom I am struggling with these same issues and sometimes it overwhelms me tremendously. I honestly don't have many friends my age with babies. They are all beautiful, thin, energetic, and happy with themselves. I feel bad that I no longer look like I did when Michael married me. I'm angry that I was unhappy with the way I looked back then. Boy did I take it for granted.

But this is a new phase of life and we are in it for our children :) I've been hesitant to ask, but I'd love a running partner! Maybe we can help each other out ?

Enjoy the new year. You are a Beautiful person inside and out. You have a beautiful heart and are more beautiful than you give yourself credit for!

Mother of Two said...

I just want to let you know that I think you are one of the most incredible, loving, generous, beautiful people I know. And I feel so very blessed to have met you and to have become friends with you.

Rachael said...

I love real. I can really appreciate your honesty and venerability in this post. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are REAL. No need to put on a fake facade. I too struggle with thoughts like these, probably way more than I should....but less and less every year that goes by as I get older and older. I hope one day I can be free from them.

Jenna said...

I'm impressed you had NYE warranting a tan with a black dress! We were home after a quick meal at Playa Azul. I think I went to be around 10:30!!