Oct 29, 2012

The Many Disguises of Sin

Recently, I made a series of hasty, emotionally dictated decisions, that, in the end, really hurt someone's feelings. I am repentant of my behavior. Satan got the best of me on this one-and while I was convinced I was acting out of selflessness, I wasn't.

I realized that I had made decisions based somewhat on what I think others think of me, and not on what God really thinks of me.

It's times like these I try to play victim and say in my brain well I have a fear of rejection, so therefore my actions were warranted. 

I'm thankful I was dealing with a person of boundless grace, because in the midst of feelings being hurt, the Lord used her to speak to my heart.
 She said, people love you, Mindy. Just because you think you are not a big deal doesn't mean other people agree with that. You have so many people who would band around you at any given moment, yet you push them away. You have to let them in on the hard stuff. You have to let them feel the way they want about you. You can't decide or get to say how someone feels about you. You end up hurting people's feelings as a result.

I cried deep cries during those words of truth.

I wish I didn't care so much what others think of me. It doesn't matter what they think of me.

I am a Redeemed Daughter of the King! He is my identity! Christ's blood covers my sins and He sees me as His pure, spotless bride. He has no wrath against me due to my millions of mistakes. He poured that wrath onto Jesus on the cross and it was taken care of a long time ago. He has nothing but love for me.

I encourage other women by telling them they are loved as they are, by telling them they don't have to do anything to earn Christ's love, by telling them they are royalty.

Yet in the deepest ravines of who I am, I still struggle with unbelief.
I have struggled with liking/loving myself for, well, my whole life

It is a journey rarely spoken about here. It is a very deep, sensitive topic for me with myriad bends and folds, making it difficult to even approach. I've noticed that I compensate my low self esteem with being an encourager. It's to take the focus off of my own insecurities. I'm building others up because I know that's what the Lord asks of me, but also because it fills me up a little.

And that's just not a very good way to be filled up. That's looking to man to satisfy my hunger.
 It's not a forever way to be filled up.
I want to be forever filled up.

We all struggle with selfishness; it's a battle we'll fight til the day we die.
 I'm starting to see all the different disguises it takes.

Agreeing with and/or and implementing Satan's lies into my life is a way of being selfish.

Do you agree?


Nicole {Home for Hire} said...

This is a lovely post, Mindy! Thanks for sharing your heart :) I can relate to a lot of it. I often feel like I'm not "cool" enough, "hip" enough, etc, etc., etc. I can easily become totally focused on what I think about myself or what I think other people think of me. Thanks for encouraging me to focus, instead, on who God created me to be and believe it. Daily.

Kathryn said...

Yep! I too struggle with this at times, listening to the wrong voice so to speak. The more time I spend in the Word and listening to the Lord I find that it becomes easier to disguish between the voice of the Lord and the one seeks to steal, kill and destroy. I would much rather listen to the right one!

New follower from the mingle.


Mary said...

I spent my whole life basically feeling insecure. Can totally relate. The more time I spend with Jesus and let His truth penetrate my heart the more secure I am. I then can be real with others. I too am an encourager by heart, and like you said probably b/c I grew up insecure so I always wanted to encourage. Never had thought of that!

Emily B. said...

I think God's helping you sort through all of this so well. You are identifying things about yourself that are so hard to see because the world cheers us on in them, and that makes them so easy to justify away. But in recognizing hard (backwards to the world) truth, you are opening yourself to be transformed into something beautiful, something new. It's pretty awesome. Love ya friend.

Heather said...

Yes! You're the daughter of the King! You're a wonderful mans wife. You're 2, or 3 rather :) beautiful kids mama! I'm sure you are a wonderful friend to to many ladies! You are a big deal. You are talented and gifted. But most importantly you seek God daily and reflect Him in many ways. That's apparent from your blog. It's your own personal relationship with the Father that is all that matters in this crazy world of comparison and worldliness and materialism. If you focus there you can't go wrong. He finds all sorts of ways to keep us humble right? :). Much love and admiration,