I’m good at covering things. No, not furniture.

I’m good at covering when my heart hurts.
I don’t want anyone to think I’m a Downer Debbie.
I don’t want anyone to turn into a Downer Debbie because I’m being a Downer Debbie.
I don’t want to take too much out of my friendships. I don’t want to drain or exhaust people.

But the truth is, I’ve had some very crappy days sprinkled into an overall peaceful month. Like days where my self-worth is, just, missing. I needed to run more this week so that’s part of it. Anyway…it is neat to be encouraged by others–my friends and Shawn say I am cool, loved, pretty, whatever, but they may as well be speaking Finnish. I simply don’t hear them. It is nothing if I don’t first believe it for myself.

I’ve been getting lie-implants from the enemy more frequently. You think I’d be like, in the name of Jesus, go away, dude. Kapow! Not so. It’s as if I’m a puppet, knowing fully that the thoughts are not of the Lord but succumbing to the lies anyway, because, for the longest time, feeling worthless has been less risky than feeling special (isn’t that backward?).

These thoughts are from a dark place I once regularly frequented. And I never want to go back. But it is chasing me. It wants me back. It wants me to feel unworthy. The enemy is really ticked at God for kicking him out of Heaven and wants so badly to destroy that which God most cherishes: his sons and daughters. So that makes me a big red dot on his map.

This excerpt explains it, in case you are like, huh, where is this coming from? I don’t get it:

Our adversary also seduces us to abide in certain emotions that act as less-wild lovers, particularly shame (check), fear (check), lust, anger (check), false guilt (check).
They are emotions that “protect” us from the more dangerous feelings of
grief (check), abandonment (check), disappointment (check), loneliness (check),
and even joy (check) and longing (check), that threaten to roam free in the wilder
environs of the heart. These are feelings that frighten us, sometimes even long years
into our Christian journey. (The Sacred Romance, Brent Curtis & John Eldredge, pg 132)

That entire paragraph is me; I checked all the things that pertained. Is it new to you? Or have you felt like this before?

Rarely do I share about my “baggage” on this blog because I want to be “sproingy!” “happy!” “buoyant!” “free as a bird!”. But today at MAPS I was convicted to be more transparent with people (I do that best through writing). God has blessed me with an often incapacitating love and burden for the lost, but I can’t love people unless I love myself first. I can’t keep using that as a crutch.

Lord, remove these unhealthy thoughts from my mind. Help me to internalize the fact that I matter, because you gave me life. Thank you for sticking with me. I am sorry for not seeking
you in the midst of this fight. Thank you for being stronger than all this. And if there are others out there who need to be healed and freed, and we both know there are, please attend to them in Your perfect way. Amen.

That is me today. I may be able to run several miles, but today, I need a cane. The gait’s a bit wobbly. Even if you don’t relate, recall this: take every thought captive. The mind is a powerful organ but not as powerful as the all-freeing love of Jesus.