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Aug 19, 2014

He is Six

Today, he becomes six years old.
Six years he's melted my heart minute by minute.

Wilder's steps toward becoming a mini adult are no longer itty bitty steps, but longer strides...those strides that make a mother's heart swell and burst with pride, but break with a longing to keep that baby safe forever. It is very much a dueling feeling, where I feel that at any moment, I'm going to have the rug pulled out from under me, stumble onto the ground, and once I've my bearings about me, brushed the dirt off my clothes, he is walking down the driveway toward his beater car jumbled with hand-me-down furniture, a fancy Apple computer, new school clothes, $200 in his pocket til next payday, and a college journey ahead.

It both hurts and heals my heart to see my children grow. I'm never able to actually see the power of love that lies within my spirit. If I were to see it it I would likely be surprised at its enormity. I know it is huge and overwhelming and formidable and impermeable. I can't help but think that watching Wilder, Story, and Truman turn into pretty awesome human beings is a way that I get to see, in a roundabout way, a few effects of my love & training, and of God's deep love and care for them, too.

I started blogging when I was pregnant with Wilder. So much has happened in our lives since then and I'd never dream this is where we would be. But one thing remains, as it habitually, relentlessly, does: LOVE. Love is what carries us through the long, challenging days, the parenting struggles, the exhausting schedules. Love is what brings magic at night, where we lie there with flashlights and giggle at our shadows on the wall. Love is what compels me to work on my own heart, so I can impact Wilder's for the better. Love helps us find grace. Love helps us find the Lord. Love intertwines our lives with other people's so we can raise our children in community. Love creates a defense and covering over our homes--against the enemy and His attempts to destroy. Love caresses our pains, stills our tears, deflects our fears.

And love has brought Wilder to the landing spot of age six, so, so beautifully. He is such a caring, sensitive, intelligent child and I am more proud of him than I could ever express with words. I'm sure parents known exactly what I mean. He's the cherry on top of my sundae, and I will forever adore him.

Mamas out there, as you send your children off to school, perhaps dreading the new schedule, or rejoicing at newfound free time, I urge you to prioritize your children when it comes to building meaningful relationship with them. Open up your heart to your children and let them see your silliness and vulnerability. Teach them lessons you wish you would have known. Your past failures or failures on your nuclear family's part have no place in your new legacy.

Put your phones down and color with your babies for a little while. They will love seeing you color and will probably say really hilarious things during the process. Don't rush through bedtime stories--use funny voices for the differing characters. Make them ants on a log for a snack and chocolate chip pancakes for weekend breakfast.


Unfortunately, we won't get this time back. We get one shot, you know?

You see, just like that I've brushed my clothes of the dust of life, looked up, and seen my firstborn, with his beautiful dimples, bruised tooth, and wiry cowlick--well, I've seen him turn six.

My sweet Wilder, never change. Unless it is to become more like Christ. You are the sun.












Happy Birthday Wilder Raine!

Aug 7, 2014

Well Good Lordy!!!

 I really need writing in my life. It's been hard because I can't be a completely open book so I just stopped blogging. But I know I can be an almost completely open book and that's better than not writing at all!

If you are still around or my blog is somewhere on your list of faves, then, thank you for not completely abandoning ship on me! I have so much to catch you up on.

First thing's first is my children. Oh my word how they bring me joy! I feel so undeserving. I have made so many mistakes with them, yet they show me grace after grace and mercy unending. That's no excuse for me to be an unintentional parent, but it does give me hope that, despite my shortcomings, the babies know I love them with all that I have.
 Wilder is almost 6 and starts kindergarten in 5 days!! I am so excited for him. I will likely cry, but, he is so ready. We tried for kindergarten last year and it just didn't feel right. This year he has learned more about who he is in Christ and what behavior he wants to display. He just seems more solid emotionally and developmentally. He melts my heart with his love for science and how things work and his willingness to help with chores. Recently I said, "Wilder, I am so proud of you!!!" He replied, "Mommy, I'm proud of you too," and gave me a smooch. I was on cloud 9. I mean, how many of us are told that someone is proud of us? Not me!

Story is 4 and the princess of the family. She can get down and dirty outside but still loves her tutus and dollies. I love having a princess girl to cuddle with and kiss and teach about inner beauty. She says the funniest things and loves her brothers. She starts daily preschool this year with Wilder's former teacher. She's going to rock it! She loves to color and play store and dance and twirl. 

Truman is the biggest crack up. He makes everyone laugh and smile. He is a ham. At 15 months he's into everything! Walking/climbing/running and learning almost words. He rarely fusses and sleeps like a champ. He makes my insides absolutely soar when he laughs. So, I tickle him a lot. I like that he's fearless and a big boy...we may have an athlete!

I also have updates on work and Romania and the Lord.

Goodnight for now.
~~
God is good.
I am often puzzled by Him (and sadly have been angry with Him here and there), 
but I still have faith.


May 21, 2014

If Your Presence does not go with us

I'm going to Romania.

Or, rather, God's sending and taking me to Romania!

We leave late June. This June.

There will be an overnight flight. Lord, hear my heart's desire to want to conk out!

Thirteen women from my church...estrogen in tow.

We will be helping at children's summer camps and doing teas/ministry with gypsy women, in the Bucharest area.

Women who are broken, battered, shunned. Women who have been stripped of everything and left for a life of poverty.

Women who, I've been told, are very loving and polite. They will be in awe of how we look, of where we come from--a land of hope and freedom and liberties and prosperity. A land where we supposedly have no problems. We will share our hearts with them..share that we too have experienced heartache and have seen God come through. We will guard our belongings (I'm going to wear one of those clear slings that goes beneath the shirt) because they tend to steal. Thievery and lying and forgery are used for survival in some areas of the country.

I'm asking the Lord to prepare my heart. Rip out the parts that do not glorify Him.  I have experienced my own version of brokenness and loneliness that I plan on being very vulnerable with the gypsies about (with a translator's help). I ask that you pray with me too! We had an awesome time of prayer and sharing and unification as a team this week. We were vulnerable about our fears about the trip (many of us are young moms who are struggling with leaving babies behind, but know we are called to go) and bonded over similar concerns.

Re-entering the mission field, if even just for 9 days, is a way for me to thrive. I feel most whole when I am giving of myself, when I am pouring out and loving others with all my heart. I am so thankful our children will be well cared for and, dare I say, spoiled, while I'm gone!!
Our prayer support person was prompted to share this verse with the team. It is found in Exodus 33:15 during a conversation between God and Moses. It reads, "Then he said to Him, 'If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here.'" Hearing that verse was confirmation for us as a team. It validated everything that has happened up to this point from the initial prompting to go, to fundraising, to team unification. The Lord has clearly set a path for everyone going! And I'm honored to be part of it. He is so good. And we wouldn't go if we didn't feel peace that His Holy Spirit goes before us.

I recorded a video with more about my heart for Romania. You can view it as well as fundraising details, here. The Lord has provided so much already (thank you to those of you who have already given)! He is worthy. He makes me strong when I am weak. And boy have I had some months of weakness. It's time to stand strong as His daughter and go make a difference. 

It's time to get over myself.

Love,

M

Arise, O God, judge the earth; for Thou shalt inherit all nations.
Psalm 82:8 KJV


Apr 28, 2014

What About The Heart Stuff?

print by LadyNoelDesigns

I've only had time to watch the first few segments of Christopher Wiegand's American Blogger, but I am already infatuated with the stories and the beauty of it. It made me really miss the blogging community which I was once so deeply entrenched. I recall the the sense of pride I felt in showing honesty and vulnerability here...

Because of some things within our family, however, I just can't bring myself to say the specifics of my current situation. The world wide web is a huge place, and people know my blog. They know I hop on here and pour out my heart. There are just certain people who do not "get to" see those deep recesses of my heart; I simply won't allow it. It is nothing personal toward any of my loyal and supportive followers, at all!!! Maybe I should become a private, invite-only blogger? I don't know!

But I do know I've missed you! And while life hasn't been 100% rainbows and unicorns the past six months, it HAS been laced with moments of joy and beauty and grace and gratitude. All I can say is that I am just sooooo thankful that my heart and my life have been washed by the cleansing blood of Jesus!! My my what DO people without Him DO when they are faced with trials??

I can't even imagine.

I'm glad I don't have to.

So what's been going on in your worlds?

I know there is still the world of Pinterest and paper straws and washi tape and hoop art and staged Instagram photos and WIWW garlands and mason jars this-n-that...but what about the heart stuff?

I wanna know!

Love,
M

Apr 8, 2014

Taking The Trash Out at 1am in My Robe

Coming in and out of blogging is so unlike me. Writing was an integral and regular part of my life for six years and it has all but dissipated...but, I'm feeling twinges, little nudges, in my heart and soul and mind to come back to writing again. To come talk to you and share snapshots of my life and where I'm at right now. Even if I don't have the money for moccasins for Truman or outfits for What I Wore Wednesday or time for crafts. I love seeing all of the beauty and inspiration and ideas. But for now, what I have to offer is words. Stories.

I've had a few commenters concerned about my health and exactly what I've been going through. Aside from having a ridiculous obsession with cookie dough, my health is just fine. Our sweet babies are thriving and wowing me every day. I have to pinch myself repeatedly to remind myself that yes I am their mother, and yes--they have been given to me, straight from heaven. Truman is almost one, Sissy almost four. Wilder is kicking butt at preschool; can't believe how tall he's getting.

The weather is finally warming here. At 1am I remembered to take the trash to the curb. Slugglishly, reluctantly, I rose from dozing on the couch to don my robe and find some shoes, any shoes, to start the simple task of taking the trash out. Upon entering the back yard, the wafts of cool air chilled my bare legs and I felt an instant wave of energy. Boy I could go for a run, I thought. Then, thank you Lord for bringing spring.
(hoop art by my sister Megan)

The walk to the curb isn't far, but it was long enough for me to hear the sounds of a slumbering block, of a sleeping city. And I pictured couples and children and singles and pets and grandmas and pop pops all snug in their beds, the covers tucked beneath their chins, perhaps an arm dangling over the side of the bed, and snorts and heavy breaths escaping sinuses. The sound of people at peace and homes all settled in, simply moved me. The cherry on top was the faint sound of wind chimes (one of my favorite things!) in the distance. I peered up at the moon, half crescented, the man in it keeping an eye out for little ole me, vulnerable in my pink robe. 

Having returned inside I sipped some water then decided it was time to let words out. I may have been the only person awake on the block and I wanted to stay awake and do something secret, like write a little.

I'm not ready to talk about my recent journey, and I may never be (which I trust you will respect), but please, know this, I trust God! 

I was recently inspired by a message I heard on the radio. It was something to the effect of: no wrongs that you have done have ruined God's plan for your life. No wrongs people have done against you have ruined God's plan for your life either!!!

None of us are a lost cause. Not ever. Not even the trash. I got it out in time!
~

Mar 5, 2014

Do you ever need to just hear that you are ENOUGH?

A very dear friend of mine sent this to me today. I felt compelled to share it with you--because it is perfection. Not sharing it would have been very selfish of me! Suffice it to say that this uplifted my spirits like nothing has in awhile. It reminded me I've wings on my back. They have been pushed down for too long. They are ready to spread wide and fly. They are still beautiful and full of color and life and power.

Beyond the challenges. Beyond the heartbreak. Beyond the past. Beyond the present. Beyond the future. I love you. Beyond reason. Beyond expectation. Beyond. I do and will.
I hope and wish and dream all the best and most amazing things for you. You are a rare person. So sensitive to the needs of others, so engaging and kind. I know that you will only continue to grow into the best version of yourself. Trust it and be the best of who you are. Don't believe the lies and doubt. Don't believe the hateful propagation of lacking. Those lies will only serve to destroy you and me...and the world at large.

You are valuable. You are special. You ARE enough. Life is hard and lonely and all too often alienating. Find kindness where you can.


My heart will always hope for your happiness. My heart will hope for you.

I always remember; friendship matters. Kindness matters. Be you always.
(this looks filtered and treated but it's not! promise!)

I miss writing, dear friends, and I miss you. But trust that I am well (ish) and I think of you!
Wilder is rocking preschool and loving assembling things from boxes and string and tape and pack-rat type things.
Story is the cutest little ballerina and loves her markers.
Truman is the sweetest little ham, has a little bit of his first tooth showing, and crawling all over.
Work at the tanning salon is busy but rewarding. I love building a rapport with our clients.

Now off to work on meeting notes!

Jan 30, 2014

We belong

Oh Lion of Judah,
Lamb Who was slain,
Father take my hand
And boldy claim
My life my all
You are my world
When my ground is sinking
You are more
You are big
You are home
And light
Life restored to me
May your blood
Erase semblance of sin
Turn me inside out
Extract the ugly
Flood me with your good
You are my living praise
The One I seek
The One I hold
My holy romance
Only you can calm the storm
Oh Root of David
You are my triumph
In You we everlast
We rise above
We become beautiful
We become whole
We belong